


Paperweight (Dear Jongdae)

by Baekbitficfest, exonomics



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Homophobia, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 07:50:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10849647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baekbitficfest/pseuds/Baekbitficfest, https://archiveofourown.org/users/exonomics/pseuds/exonomics
Summary: Baekhyun has always been in love with Jongdae. But now, in the middle of war, may not be the best time to tell him.





	Paperweight (Dear Jongdae)

**Author's Note:**

> Please be sure to leave the writer lots of lovely comments!
> 
> Thank you for reading <3

_Prompt #: 24_

_Pairing: Baekhyun/Chen_

_Rating: M_

_Summary: Baekhyun has always been in love with Jongdae. But now, in the middle of war, may not be the best time to tell him._

_Word Count: 15K OTL_

_Warnings: [Spoilers] Major Character Death, mentions of Homophobia, Sexual Situations (not smut)_

_Author's Note: Dear Prompter - This is most definitely not what you asked for, but I hope you enjoy it! This was the first fic I've written in years - it was a **challenge** , but I'm proud of myself for finishing it. _

 

The sun is shining the day Jongdae leaves for war.

Baekhyun can’t help but feel the irony hitting his skin, warming his body in mockery. It’s the first clear day the town has seen in a week, and it’s the day the young men are clinging to their mothers for comfort on the day they leave for war. Baekhyun stands off to the side, gripping his cane and the envelope in his hand harder. _Lucky_ , his former classmates glare at him from afar. _Unfair_ , parents think as they say goodbye to their son. _Thank God_ , his mother had cried when Baekhyun failed the draft medical exam. He would be safe, away from the battlefield.

But not his friends.

Baekhyun’s goodbye to Chanyeol had been short. He wrapped his arms around Chanyeol’s body, neither saying at word. Baekhyun soaked in his how his best friend’s felt, but it was almost uncomfortable how quiet Chanyeol was, how drowsy his aura became. Chanyeol, so full of life, now staring off at the ground, barely making eye contact when Baekhyun told him to come back home.

Now came Jongdae.

Baekhyun walks up and clears his throat, fighting back tears. “Here,” he says, his voice on the brink of breakdown. He hands Jongdae an envelope. “It’s so you won’t forget my face.”

Jongdae gives a rough laugh as he peeks into the envelope. “I could never forget your face,” he says, pulling out the photograph Baekhyun tucked in. It’s a picture of three of them - Baekhyun, Jongdae, Chanyeol - all under the old oak tree in their school yard. It was the most recent photograph Baekhyun could find of the three of them together.

“I also thought-” Baekhyun croaks. He clears his throat again. “I also thought we could write, y’know. Letters.” He gives Jongdae a weak smile. “Just so I know how you both are doing.”

Jongdae’s fingers brush against the photograph, a fondness in his eyes. He gives a small nod at Baekhyun’s words, before looking up. There are tears in his eyes. “I’m going to miss you, Baek,” he whispers, pulling Baekhyun into a hug.

Baekhyun should have told him, right then and there. He should have held on to Jongdae a second longer, should have whispered in his ear everything he meant to Baekhyun.  He should have pulled Jongdae down for a kiss, willing his body to show Jongdae just how much Baekhyun loves him.

But Baekhyun is a coward.

So he lets Jongdae go, letting the tears fall from his eyes as Jongdae gave him one last smile. “Write to me when you can,” he croaks, smiling through his tears.

Jongdae reaches out to wipe the tears away. “I’ll write every day.” He puts the envelope in his back pockets and pats it.

Baekhyun sees Jongdae’s parents approach, and he steps aside to let them give Jongdae one last goodbye. Next to them, Chanyeol’s sister is sobbing as he gives her one last hug. He catches Baekhyun’s gaze, and Baekhyun’s heart sinks. He’s never seen Chanyeol so lifeless.

A few moment pass before the mayor of the town calls all the soldiers to get into the truck. Baekhyun bites his lips as he watches Jongdae and Chanyeol peel themselves away from their families. As much as Baekhyun’s stomach twists at the sight of Jongdae’s mother collapsing on the ground, or Chanyeol father holding his sister back, he wills himself to not look away. Next to him, he feels an arm wrap around his shoulders. Normally, his mother’s touch would be comforting - but nothing can help as he watches Jongdae wrap his arms around Chanyeol, keeping him grounded.

“Have faith, Baekhyun,” his mother says softly. “They’ll come back.” He bites his lip harder.

Once the other boys Baekhyun grew up with settle into the truck, Jongdae and Chanyeol lost within the mix, it pulls away. The cries of his neighbors grow louder, and his mother tightens her grip on his shoulders. “Let’s go home,” she mumbles, but Baekhyun doesn’t move.

He doesn’t move until the truck is miles away, no longer visible from the town.

  
  
  
  
  
  


This is the last time Baekhyun sees Jongdae alive.

  
  


_________________

  


_March 12, 1940_

_Dear Jongdae,_

_I miss you already...Just kidding. It’s going to be nice finally having some quiet around here. I wonder if I’ll finally be able to get some work done around here without you around.  Yook keeps threatening to have me fired for all the times we kept goofing off in the shop. Maybe when you and Chanyeol get back, I’ll have a store of my own open. An ice cream shop. We can have all the ice cream we can eat._

_But seriously..._

_Be safe, Dae. Come back home._

_Baekhyun_

  


_________________

  
  


The war started when enemies from the North invaded. It was sudden, swift. The enemies wiped out cities and towns along the border. Bombed transportation hubs. Tanks and soldiers marched miles to the capital before their own country could fight back. It became clear that the established militia would not be able to defend the country on its own.

More men were needed.

“Some soldiers we would make,” Jongdae joked after hearing the army needed new recruits. “We’re country bumpkins.” He held up a bag of rice. “Think I could take someone out with this?”  Baekhyun had laughed to hide the bitter feeling in his stomach.

But news spread from town to town, village to village, about a draft for soldiers. “We need more men to evacuate and protect our people caught in the middle of battle,” read a newspaper delivered from the capital. “We must secure our current success at defeating our enemy. Will we win this war.”

Baekhyun didn’t buy it for a second.

Even though war was raging within their nation, there was a calmness about Wonmi. They were farmers and laborers, living in the middle of farmland. Surely no draft would reach them. Still, Baekhyun’s mother would hand him his cane - one that had not needed since he was a child - every time he left the house. It took Baekhyun a while to realize why his mother insisted he have his cane with him. _Strong men make strong soldiers._ There was no place for a cripple on the battlefield.

But life went on. It seemed the town had almost forgotten, until the mayor stood up after Sunday prayers with a grim look on his face.

“As you all know,” he said, slowly. Calculated. “Our nation’s enemy is upon us. The capital needs to be protected for the longevity of our nation.”

Baekhyun couldn’t breath.

The mayor gulped. “That is why-” sweat dripped down his forehead. “Next week, we will send our strongest young men to train for battle.”

This was it.

They were taking his friends away to their death.

The outcry was sudden. Mothers clung to their sons, wives to their husbands. Fathers stood up and stormed the mayor, one grabbing him by his collar to scream in his face. Baekhyun’s mother had pulled him away as soon as the shouting started, throwing him under her shoulder back towards their home. Baekhyun tried to fight out of his mother’s grasp, needing to find Chanyeol and Jongdae, but she harshly whispered at him, “Speak with them tomorrow, there’s nothing you can do now.”

When they got home, Baekhyun was the one who broke down in tears first. He let his legs buckle underneath him, collapsing on the floor with a sob. He felt his mother sit beside him, curling her arms around his body.

“You’re safe, they’re not going to take you,” she whispered through her tears, but Baekhyun couldn’t tell her he wasn’t crying for himself. He was crying for Chanyeol; he was crying for Jongdae.

He was crying for the love of his life being taken away from him.

  


Baekhyun saw Jongdae the next morning, by chance.

Even though Baekhyun’s life was over, he still had to work at the grocery store. So he took his cane and accepted a long embrace from his mother before heading out. He only made it a few steps out of his yard when he saw Jongdae, sitting on the side of his home. His eyes were closed. He looked peaceful, as if he was accepting his fate.

Baekhyun’s heart skipped a beat at the thought. He said nothing as he walked over to Jongdae, nor did Jongdae say anything back when Baekhyun crouched down to sit next to him. They sat together, side by side, eyes closed and body feeling the earth around them. A few moments pass before Baekhyun felt Jongdae reach for his hand. He let Jongdae intertwine their fingers, caress his hand.

Baekhyun bit his lip. “Dae-”

“If you’re about to get all sappy on me now, I swear I’m going to strangle you,” Jongdae interrupted, giving Baekhyun his usual bright smile. Baekhyun stared at him. Though the smile was on, there was a darkness in Jongdae’s eyes.

“I was just-” he tried again, but Jongdae waved him off.

“We officially have one week for you, me, and Chanyeol to do whatever the fuck we want.” He was still smiling. “We’re going to make this the best week of our lives.”

Baekhyun began sobbing. He hadn’t even realized he began crying, nor could he be embarrassed over it. All he could do is bury his face into Jongdae’s shoulder, letting his tears stain his best friend’s shirt. He felt irrationally silly in that moment, as he shouldn’t be the one crying. He wasn’t the one who was going to war.

He felt Jongdae wrap his arms around him, mumbling “It’s okay, everything’s going to be fine,” into his hair.

He should have told Jongdae then. He should have pressed his face into Jongdae’s neck, kissed his skin as he told him he loved him.

But Baekhyun was a coward.

So he cried harder into Jongdae’s shirt, promising to himself that before Jongdae left, he would tell him.

He would tell Jongdae everything.

  
  


_________________

  


_  
_ _May  2, 1940_

_Dear Baekhyun,_

_Sorry this letter took so long. The army is still trying to get the whole mail system working. Hopefully it won’t be a problem in the future._

_Chanyeol and I are finally settled in. We’re not bunking together, but I count this as a blessing - Chanyeol’s feet still smell, and I would not want to live with that. The bad news is I have this bird that likes to perch itself right outside of my tent. Do you remember Kim Kibum in choir years ago? That’s what it sounds like at 4 in the morning. If I go mad, you’ll be in charge of reminding Chanyeol to wash behind his ears._

_I’m upset at how quiet things are now that I’m gone. I’ll keep that in mind when Chanyeol and I make our grand entrance back home._

_Keep up the good work scooping that candy, Baek._

_I expect a promotion by the time I get back._

_Jongdae_

Even after reading, Baekhyun still feels uneasy. Jongdae and Chanyeol are settled in, but what if something happened since this letter was sent? What if something happens to them before he can write back? He sighs, and tucks the letter back into his back pocket. Maybe he’s over thinking things. _Jongdae and Chanyeol are in training_ , he reminds himself. Away from any fighting. For now at least.

Baekhyun groans, leaning his head against the glass counter inside Yook’s store. It’s been a busy day, with families coming in and out to pick up food for the week, or children coming in to buy a bag of candy after prayers. He’s been on his feet all day, and his leg is beginning to bother him again.

The front door bell rings. Baekhyun lets out another groan, but immediately straightens up when Yook walks through the door. He’s got a stack of magazines in one arm.

“I’m paying you to serve customers, not sit around on your ass,” he growls. Baekhyun slinks back a bit, shameful. Yook snorts, then walks with his magazines to the back of the store.

Baekhyun normally would hate his boss, but Yook has been extra unforgiving ever since his son left for the army. Baekhyun understands - he’s just as worried for Jongdae and Chanyeol, and hasn’t exactly been pleasant for the past few months since they’ve been gone.  The town has become sullen, quieter. Especially for Baekhyun, his life has slown down, each day longer than the last.

He briefly wonders of soldiers get a holiday of sorts to visit their families, but Yook walks back to the front of the store, magazines still in hand. He drops the stack on the counter. “Make yourself useful and deliver these.”

Baekhyun frowns. “But what about-”

“I’ll watch the front, you just need to get out of my face for a while.”

And Baekhyun won’t argue with that.

  
  
  
  
  


It’s dark when Baekhyun returns home from work.

“I’m home!” He calls into his house. He kicks his shoes off and hangs his coat, already thinking of skipping dinner and going right to bed. It’s been an exhausting day, and he just wants to sleep.

Rubbing his eyes, he walks into kitchen looking for a glass of water before he heads to bed. He isn’t expecting his mother sitting at the kitchen table, and nearly trips over his feet in surprise.

“Oh my-” he gasps, putting a hand on his chest. She’s sitting in the dark, not a candle lit or a light on. She doesn’t even acknowledge him - she’s just looking at the table, at a letter. “Mom, what are you doing?” Baekhyun asks. His mother says nothing, continues staring at the table.

His heart begins to pound. He’s never seen his mother like this. “Mom, what’s wrong?” he asks, taking a seat next to her.

Not looking at him, she pulls the paper in front of her over to him. Baekhyun frowns, picking it up. “What’s-”

 

_Dear Mr. Byun Baekhyun,_

_We are pleased to inform you that despite failing the initial medical examination required for entrance into the armed forces, you have been selected to join our new “Special Considerations” unit! This is a fantastic opportunity for young men like yourself to join the cause of protecting our country, as well as gain discipline, independence, and leadership skills._

_You will be picked up on:_ _JUNE 11_

  


There’s more print on the bottom of the letter, but Baekhyun can’t find himself to read anything else.

_Selected._

_Join._

_Protecting._

_June._

He’s being drafted after all.

Baekhyun waits for the wave of nausea, the crashing of his heart against his chest at the thought of being drafted. But he feels nothing. He continues to stare at the letter, letting the numbness sink into his core, even after his mother lets out a wail of despair.

He feels nothing.

  
  
  
  


It’s raining the day Baekhyun leaves for war.

There is no crowd gathered this time. He’s the only young man from Gunwi who failed the first draft, and would be the only young man taken for seconds. His mother is there, of course, desperately clinging to his clothing. And the mayor of the town, as well. He’s speaking to the driver of the truck that will take Baekhyun away. There’s already men inside the back of the truck, leaning against the cloth walls meant to protect cargo inside.

That’s all Baekhyun is. Cargo.

Baekhyun’s eyes wander back to the mayor, who finally steps away from the truck driver.

This is it.

He turns back to his mother, still holding him.

“ _My boy,_ ” she sobs.

He feels as if he used all of his good wishes for Jongdae and Chanyeol. Now here he is, his mother sobbing into his shoulder, and he can’t even tell her things will be fine.

Because, deep down, he knows he’s probably not going to make it home.

So instead, he holds her tight one last time. “I have to go now,” he says softly, slowly peeling his mother’s arms from him. She’s surprisingly pliant, not fighting against him - but as soon as Baekhyun lets her go, she collapses on the ground. Broken.

“ _You can’t take him!_ ” his mother cries, and Baekhyun walks away before he breaks as well.

The mayor meets him halfway to the truck, hand outstretched. “Come back safe, son.”

Baekhyun ignores him.

He continues walking to the truck, throwing his backpack into the hold as he climbs up the back of the truck. No one helps him.

“ _He’s all I have left!_ ” his mother screams.

One of the boys does make room for him on the bench. With his bag in his lap and one last look at his town, the truck jerks forward and Baekhyun is off.

He closes his eyes, drowning out the sobs of his mother.

  
  
  


It takes hours of sitting in silence and holding in tears, but the boys finally make it to their new home.

The trucks pull into the camp, first passing a fence of barbed wire and towers. There are soldiers up in the towers, machine guns aimed and ready to defend the camp. Baekhyun thinks he sees one of the soldiers sleeping in his chair, but the truck moves too fast to be sure. They pass through thick woods before getting to the clearing. Tents line as far as Baekhyun can see. In the distance, he can make out the top of what could be a tank. It’s the only one Baekhyun sees, and he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry.

The truck pulls behind another, and two uniformed soldiers quickly flank the exit of the truck, and beginning pulling them out. “Quickly now!” they shout. One grabs Baekhyun by the elbow and he nearly loses his footing. “Everyone to the right! Follow the signs!” Baekhyun grips his bag tighter in his hand as he follows the flow towards the center of camp. Everyone looks as confused and disoriented as he does.

Baekhyun walks until he bumps into the person in front of him. “ _Watch it_ ,” the boy sneers. Baekhyun stares at him - not for his words, but at the glass on his face. They’re the thickest pair Baekhyun has ever seen, and it makes the kid’s eyes look twice their normal size.

He really is in a squadron of freaks.

“Welcome soldiers!” says a voice over a microphone. Baekhyun frowns, and stands on his toes to see over the heads in front of him. The short man in the nice uniform is standing on a stage, along with other high-ranking officials. He has a smile on his face that Baekhyun wants to punch off. “I’m one of the unit leaders, Captain Kim.” His smile gets bigger. “But you can call me Joonmyun.”

The boy with the thick glasses in front of him mutters something unintelligible, but Baekhyun still snorts in agreement.

“We’re honored that you all are here to fight for your country,” the Captain continues. “And we truly appreciate your bravery-”

“We were forced to come here!” someone shouts from the back.

“-And together, we will win this war!” The statement meant to excite, but the crowd is silent. Baekhyun has half a mind to feel bad for this man. He seems to be really trying, no matter how sad it is turning out.

The bright Captain is quickly shuffled down stage, and a Major steps forward. “Alright men, we’ll be assigning bunks and unit assignments. File in line!”

Some uniformed soldiers off to the side begin moving the crowd along, shuffling them towards the large tent in the middle of camp. Baekhyun eventually settles behind the boy with thick glasses, wincing a bit at his leg. Standing for so long is beginning to take its toll. Maybe he should have brought his cane.

It seems like forever until it’s his turn. When he steps up to the table, one of the Captains - _Joonmyun_ \- is still smiling. “Name?” he brightly asks.

“Byun Baekhyun,” he mumbles.

The smile doesn't falter, and Joonmyun goes down the list on his clipboard. “Byun...Byun...” He stops. “Byun Baekhyun!” He looks back up. “In my unit! Tent 12.” He hands him a postcard. “It’s just that way. You’re other bunk-mates should already be there!”

Baekhyun is quickly shuffled along, with one soldier pointing him in the direction of his tent. He looks down at his postcard.

**Byun Baekhyun**

**20**

**Gunwi**

**Malunited Fracture in Left Tibia**

 

 _Malunited Fracture in Left Tibia_. Crooked leg that never healed. That’s what he’ll be known for at the end of this war.

Tent 12 is at the end of the first row of barracks, and Baekhyun finds some sort of comfort when he sees Glasses standing in the front of the tent. At least a familiar face. Next to him looking downright terrified is the boy with no arms.

“Uh,” Baekhyun starts when he gets close to his new bunk-mates. “Hey...there?” It sounds genuine enough. He hasn’t needed to make friends in years.

Glasses gives him a once over, but says nothing. The boy with no arms doesn’t even look up at him.

“Alrighty,” Baekhyun breathes to himself. He rocks back on his heels, hands grabbing the traps of his backpack.

No one speaks.

Baekhyun looks over at the tent. “Should we…?” He motions to the tent. Glasses shrugs, and is the one who walks into the tent first. Baekhyun and No Arms follows. The three stand at the tent’s entrance, looking at the three cots scattered around. There’s a small desk in the middle of the tent, and a bucket. Baekhyun turns his nose, hoping the bucket is for washing clothes.

“Well,” Glasses starts, walking over to the cot farthest from the tent entrance. “I’ll start.” He looks over at Baekhyun and No Arms. “Do Kyungsoo.”

“Byun Baekhyun,” Baekhyun replies. They both look over at No Arms.

No Arms is still looking at his feet. Kyungsoo scoffs and takes the postcard tucked into No Arms’s shirt pocket, bringing it right up to his face. “Kim Jongin,” he reads, eyes squinting to read the words. Baekhyun can read the text from where he was standing - Kyungsoo must be near blind.

Kyungsoo tosses the postcard back to Jongin. It drops to the floor. “Nice to meet you both,” he grumbles, dropping his bag down on the ground next to the cot.

Jongin is looking down at his postcard. Baekhyun feels pity for him and bends to pick it up. He places it in Jongin’s breast pocket. He doesn’t get a thanks, not even a nod. Jongin just quietly walks over to a cot, letting his pack slip off his shoulders and lying down.

Baekhyun is left standing at the front of the tent, rocking back on his feet. He’s so used to Jongdae and Chanyeol’s noise, that two silent companions are making his ears ring.

A knock on the tent’s flaps saves him from the silence. Joonmyun peaks his head in. “Tent 12! Making yourselves at home, I see.”

No one speaks.

Joonmyun is not deterred. He walks in, clipboard in hand, smile still on his face. “You already have the schedule around here, and the rest of the night is just getting settled and acquainted with one another. Tomorrow we start drills!”

More silence.

“Anyway you three, if you need anything, I’m here!”

Kyungsoo tells Joonmyun to go fuck himself, while Jongin continues stare into nothing. Baekhyun takes this as the opportunity to sit down on his cot, facing away from his Captain. Joonmyun’s smile wobbles a bit. “Have a good night, boys. Wake up is at 6 sharp!” He quickly turns on his heels and leaves.

Kyungsoo snorts. “Thank God.” He flops down on his cot, grunting when the fabric doesn’t bend with his weight. Jongin still says nothing, still stares at the top of their new home.

Baekhyun reaches into his pack, pulling out his box of pens, paper, and envelopes. The letters Jongdae wrote are there as well, neatly folded and tied together. The most recent letter is on top, and Baekhyun pulls it out.

 

_May 29, 1940_

_Dear Baekhyun,_

_I can’t believe they’re drafting you. That doesn’t seem right. I’m sorry you’re getting roped into this, too. I know that you can make it through._

_If it makes you feel any better, I bet you’re unit won’t go to the front lines. They really do have a lot of men already out, and I doubt they’d take a second string unit to fight (and I say that with all the love in the world)._

_Write to me when you settle in. Everything will be alright, Baek. I promise._

_Jongdae_

 

He supposes that writing to Jongdae may make him feel better. So he pulls out a piece of paper and one of his pens, and begins writing.

 

_Dear Jongdae,_

“Writing to your girlfriend?”

Baekhyun drops his pencil at the voice, which definitely did not come from Kyungsoo. He looks over his shoulder at Jongin, who’s looking down at his paper. “Uh,” he starts, looking down at the letter. “No. A friend.” He looks back over. “He’s in the army now, too.”

Kyungsoo snorts from his cot. “Good luck getting it to him.”

Baekhyun frowns. “Why?”

“We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere, and you’re trying to send a letter to someone also in the middle of fucking nowhere.” Kyungsoo snorts again.

 _Damn it_ . Baekhyun hadn’t even thought about trouble sending letters to Jongdae. It was easy back home - each town had a special telegram and mail delivery systems to reach soldiers on the battlefield and in training. But now that Baekhyun _was_ one of those soldiers in training, he had no idea how to get a letter to another unit.

But his Captain should.

Baekhyun jumps out of the cot and peaks his head out of the tent. There’s a lot of movement outside with all the soldiers moving themselves in, but Joonmyun is easy to spot among the tall, downtrodden soldiers. Baekhyun slowly walks over to where Joonmyun is looking over his clipboard.

“Uh, Captain?” he calls. It takes a few seconds for Joonmyun to realize someone is calling for him. He turns around with a confused look on his face. “Oh! You’re one of my new recruits!” he says brightly in recognition. “Please, call me Joonmyun!” His smile is back, and Baekhyun is getting real tired of it. “What can I do for you?”

“Er, well _Joonmyun_ ,” Baekhyun says, holding the letter out. “I was wondering how mail was sent here?”

Joonmyun looks at the letter. “Oh! Well, we have telegrams sent through our radios to other units.” He looks back at Baekhyun “But if you’re expecting letters from home, we can certainly send them through our mailing system.”

Baekhyun bites his lips. “And what if...I’m sending letters to someone in another unit?”

Joonmyun purses his lips, thoughtful. “Well, I guess we can send them through our mail…but it may be difficult because of security…”

Baekhyun feels his heart sink. That doesn’t sound promising at all. “Is there anything I can do? I just-” he looks down at his letter. “-really need to send this to a friend.”

At “a friend,” Joonmyun straightens up. “Oh? What unit is he?”

“The 14th.”

Joonmyun’s eyes brighten again. “Oh! That’s Minseok’s unit!” By the sound of Joonmyun’s voice, Baekhyun’s lucky Jongdae is in Minseok’s unit.

He rocks back on his feet. “Is that a good thing?” he still asks.

There’s a pause, but Joonmyun nods his head. “I think I can work something out for you,” he says.

Baekhyun sighs in relief. “Thank you,” he breathes. And he truly, truly means it.

  


_________________

  
  


_June 11, 1940_

_Dear Jongdae,_

_I’m all settled into my new “special unit”. I’m living with two other soldiers. There’s Kyungsoo - he’s our age, and wears the thickest glasses I’ve ever seen. He’s near blind. And Jongin, who has no arms. Could you imagine? Just being born without arms? He’s really quiet and doesn’t talk much. A kid who’s blind, a kid with no arms, a kid with a busted leg. We look more like a freak show than a military squadron._

_How are things for you and Yeol? Are you still in Gyeonggi?_

_I miss you both so much._

_Baekhyun_

  


_________________

  


“You’re going to get yourself killed. Then who’ll be my best friend?”

“Duh,” Jongdae said, giving Baekhyun a face. “Chanyeol’s still here!”

“Yeah Baek, I’m right here!” Chanyeol called from the other side of the oak tree. Baekhyun groaned, putting his hands on his face as Jongdae pulled himself up to the branch. All around him, the other children began to murmur, with some of the other boys placing bets on how high Jongdae would get to.

Jongdae had always been the bravest out of their misfit group of friends. Chanyeol was all talk when it came to dares or challenges, and Baekhyun was never one to open his mouth unless absolutely necessary.  So of course, when their schoolmates began daring each other to climb the old oak tree after school, Jongdae was the first to volunteer.

“I bet I can climb fifty feet on that tree!” he announced to the awe of their peers. The tree was no more than twenty feet tall, but to a group eight and nine-year olds, it was a mountain that only the bravest of boys could conquer.

And so, up Jongdae went.

“Jongdae, if you die can I have your brown shoes?” called Oh Sehun, an eight year old who loved pushing Jongdae’s buttons, or making fun of Baekhyun for his height or Chanyeol for being stupid. Jongdae received a brand new pair of brown dress shoes for his birthday, a luxury most kids in the town could only dream of affording. Baekhyun would even admit to being jealous of Jongdae’s new shoes. Baekhyun’s family could never afford shoes that looked like they were straight out of a magazine.

Chanyeol kept squirming around the tree, ready to catch Jongdae if a branch snapped and sent him tumbling down. Oh Sehun and the other boys were gleefully waiting for it to happen.

Jongdae made quick work of the branches, quickly moving himself up and around. At one moment his left foot slipped and he briefly lost his balance. Baekhyun’s breath caught in his throat at the sight of Jongdae wobbling in the tree. But as quick as it happened, Jongdae grabbed another branch and pulled himself up once more.

He was halfway up the tree before the group began cheering. Baekhyun lets out a sigh when Jongdae stopped climbing, instead leaning against the trunk of the three and pumping his fists in celebration.

“Way to go, Dae!” Chanyeol yelled, jumping up and down in excitement. Around them, some other boys are mumbling, handing over pieces of candy to the winners of the bets they placed. Jongdae looked exceptionally pleased with himself, gleefully swinging his legs back and forth.

Baekhyun heard a scoff behind him. “Climbing trees isn’t that hard.”

Oh Sehun. Again.

Anger struck quickly, and Baekhyun turned to Oh Sehun with his hands in fists. “Well no one else climbed the tree!” he argued, walking up to Oh Sehun. “If it’s so easy, you climb it!”

Sehun frowned. “Why don’t you climb it?” he shouted back, giving Baekhyun a shove. “You’ve always been a wuss, and now you’re an even bigger wuss!”

The group around them began crowding, some boys shouting for a fight. Baekhyun saw Chanyeol moving towards him, probably to get him away from Oh Sehun’s fists if they started flying.  Baekhyun wasn’t looking for a fight - he just wanted Oh Sehun to shut up.

“I bet Baekhyunnie can do it!” The children looked up at Jongdae, leaning over the branch. “I bet he can climb up here!” Baekhyun’s eyes followed Jongdae’s voice up up _up_ the tree and _Oh that’s high._

Oh Sehun snorted again. “Baekhyun is a wuss who’s afraid of heights. He’ll never do it!”

“Don’t listen to him, Baek! I believe in you!”

And of course, since Jongdae was his best friend and he couldn’t let him down, Baekhyun began to climb the tree (he needed Chanyeol to give him a boost up to the first branch). He quickly realized that this was the worst idea he’s ever had. Not only were the branches farther apart than he realized, Baekhyun could barely pull himself up.

“Use those muscles, Baek!” Chanyeol called. Baekhyun had a few choice words for Chanyeol, ones that his mother used when she was at her fiercest but could not find the breath to do so. After another gulp of air he reached up and pulled himself up another branch.

“You’re almost there!” called Jongdae. He was leaning over the side of his branch.

“He’ll never make it!” someone on the ground shouted. A few more boys chimed in.

_Don’t look down. Just don’t look down._

Deciding that if he were to die in this moment, falling from a tree in the presence of his peers and at the honor of his best friend was a decent way to go. So Baekhyun took a deep breath and reached for the last branch.

As soon as Jongdae pulled him up, the crowd below cheered again. Baekhyun heard Chanyeol’s whooping, but all he could focus on was Jongdae’s smile. “You did it!” he shouted, lunging forward to give Baekhyun a hug. Baekhyun went to reciprocate when he heard a sick crackling beneath him.

He crashed to the ground.

  
  


The doctor said Baekhyun was lucky didn’t die from the fall. Baekhyun said the Doctor should be fired from his profession, because he _was_ dying. He hadn’t stopped crying in over a day because the pain in his left leg was setting his entire body on fire.

He landed right on his leg, heard a deafening _SNAP,_ and screamed so loud his school teacher had heard the noise through her classroom window.

“Byun Baekhyun, when you get back up and walking, you are putting your free time after school to good use,” his mother jeered, giving him a slap upside the head when the doctor left. “No more climbing trees.” He can’t help but feel guilty for causing his mother grief - she had been in tears when Jongdae and Chanyeol carried him into his home. He supposes his leg twisting in a way that shouldn’t have been possible didn’t help her anxiety either.

His mother sighed, running her hands through her hair. “You could have died, Baekhyun.”

From his seat across the room, Jongdae sank lower. He had brought over some extra pillows to help prop Baekhyun’s broken leg. He also was upset about Baekhyun’s leg. He had cried as much as Baekhyun had, and felt even more guilty. Baekhyun’s mother gave both him and Chanyeol a scolding.

Baekhyun sinks lower in his bed as well. “I’m sorry,” he hiccups. The only thing worse than the pain in his leg was his mother’s look of disappointment.

She sighs again, this time reaching over to run her hands through Baekhyun’s hair. It’s affectionate. “We’re going to have a stern talk once you’re feeling better.” Now Baekhyun feels like crying for a different reason.

When she leaves his room, Jongdae lets out a sigh. “Your mom is scary. Is she always like that?”

Baekhyun thought back to the late nights the two shared, huddled under a blanket listening to their old radio. Sometimes, if he was extra good, they would drink hot chocolate.  “No,” he decided. “She’s usually a lot nicer than that.” He paused. “So,” he craned his neck. “What’s in the box?” When Jongdae brought over the extra pillows, he also had brought with him an old box.

“Oh!” Jongdae quickly picked up the box, running over and dropping it on Baekhyun’s stomach. “This is for you!”

Baekhyun wheezed. “For me?” Jongdae nodded. “But it’s not my birthday-”

“Just open it!”

Baekhyun huffed, but wiggled himself upright enough to open the lid.

Inside was Jongdae’s pair of brown shoes. Baekhyun gawked. “These are for me?” He started at Jongdae. This has to be a joke. But Jongdae was all smiles when he picked them up out of the box.

“Yep! This is your present!”

“B-ut, these are _your_ shoes!”

“Yeah, but I want you to have them!” Jongdae extended them out to Baekhyun. “For standing up for me!”

Baekhyun started. They were just as nice as he remembered, as nice as the first day Jongdae got them. He looked up. “Won’t your parents get mad?”

Jongdae shook his head. “No, they’re too small for me anyway.” He set them down to flex his arms. “I’m getting bigger! I’m gonna be the strongest kid in Gunwi!”

Baekhyun had to laugh. “Bigger than Chanyeol?” Chanyeol was already a good foot taller than both of them.

Jongdae stuck out his tongue. “I will! I’ll be taller and stronger than Chanyeol!” He dropped the shoes on the floor before crawling on the bed.

“Hey!” Baekhyun complained as Jongdae pushed him over to make room.  Once Jongdae was on the bed he curled himself into Baekhyun’s body.

Baekhyun’s heart stopped.

“But really, Baek,” Jongdae said, moving to get closer to him. “Thanks for sticking up for me.” He not so gently threw an arm around Baekhyun’s torso. “You really are my best friend.”

His smile was breathtaking, and Baekhyun fell in love with Jongdae for the first time.

 

_________________

 

“Baekhyun! You have mail!”

Baekhyun jumps out of his cot, nearly knocking Jongin over as he lunges at the letter in Joonmyun’s hand. Jongdae’s neat handwriting is on the outside of the envelope, and Baekhyun’s heart jumps at the sight.

“Jongdae again?” Jongin asks as Baekhyun tears the envelope open. Baekhyun doesn’t answer because _of course_ it’s from Jongdae. There’s no one else he’s been writing to these past few months.

 

_August 2, 1940_

_Dear Baekhyun,_

_We got new uniforms last week. They’re pretty sharp, but I look good in everything. Captain Minseok though - he’s also the best looking man I’ve ever seen. He looks straight out of a Hollywood movie, and I am jealous of how good he makes our uniforms look (don’t tell Chanyeol I said that, or he’ll never speak to me again). I must learn his secrets._

_Speaking of Chanyeol, he says to tell you that he finally beat me in wrestling. But he cheated. I swear. Don’t believe him._

_I’m glad to hear your tent mates are getting along better. That makes things easier. But I swear to God, if you replace Chanyeol and I, I will hunt you down. I’m only partially joking._

_Stay safe,_

_Jongdae_

  


“The squadron is also having a meeting in five. Be there!” Joonmyun calls as he ducks out of the tent.

Kyungsoo frowns. “ _Now_ what,” he mumbles, reaching to put his shoes on. Baekhyun puts his letter down on their desk to do the same.

“Um-”

Baekhyun and Kyungsoo look over to Jongin, who stars at his bare feet.

Kyungsoo looks over to Baekhyun. “Your turn,” he says. He stands up and walks out. Baekhyun frowns - even though it is his turn, Kyungsoo doesn’t have to be dick about it. Jongin’s still self-conscious that he can’t put his own shoes or clothes on, and still apologizes every time Kyungsoo or Baekhyun help him.

Jongin kicks his shoes to the end of his cot and sits, and Baekhyun grabs them by the laces.

“He’s getting nicer,” Jongin mumbles.

“A bit,” Baekhyun replies, stringing the laces on Jongin’s boots. “He’s stopped calling you Cinderella.”

Jongin giggles, and Baekhyun’s heart melts a bit. “He still calls you ‘Crip’ though.”

“I’ve been called worse.”

Once Jongin’s boots are on and Baekhyun helps him up, they both shuffle their way through the squadron to where Kyungsoo is. “Did we miss anything?” Jongin asks, leaning over to Kyungsoo.

He shakes his head. “We’ve just been standing here.”

After a few minutes and once the squadron has settled, Joonmyun and some of the other Captains make their way to the platform.  “It’s our first night in Wonju, boys!” one of the Captains call out. “Let’s be gracious guests to our hosts!”

There’s a stir among the soldiers, voices whispering to each other. Baekhyun frowns. They’re not in Wonju, they’re still a mile away from the town. If the Captain is talking about Wonju, then they’d have to _go_ to Wonju…

“File into your ranks!” The Captain shouts over the voices. A smirk appears on his lips. “We’re going to enjoy a little vacation.”

Baekhyun must have missed something, because all around him soldiers begin cheering. Some are hooting, jumping on each other’s shoulders.

Joonmyun is standing next to the Captain, not looking to thrilled.

Baekhyun turns to Jongin and Kyungsoo. Jongin looks just as perplexed as he is, while Kyungsoo has a smile one his face. Baekhyun tries not to balk at seeing Kyungsoo smile for the first time. “What just happened?” Baekhyun asks Kyungsoo through the noise.

A smirk creeps onto Kyungsoo’s face. “We’re about to get laid!” he hollers, throwing an arm around Jongin’s shoulders.

Baekhyun pales.

  
  
  
  


Just a mile from the campsite is the city center of Wonju. It’s relatively small for a city, but it’s the largest Baekhyun has seen in recent memory. The soldiers marched through streets, waving at the crowd that formed. Baekhyun almost laughed at the site of a few women looking surprised at their unit in the uniforms - it must be disappointing to see handicapped soldiers. These are the men that are supposed to protect their country?

Once the unit gets to the center of town, one of the Captains halts the marching. With a wave of his hand and a smile on his face, he calls, “Not too late, boys!” And the men quickly disperse.

Those who can bolt do, looking for the best tavern or open door with women standing on the threshold. There’s cheers and yells echoing off the buildings, Baekhyun is lost in the madness, head whipping every time someone rushes past him. Luckily, Kyungsoo grabs him by the arm and pulls him and Jongin away. “Let’s find a nice bar to sit at,” he laughs. Baekhyun is still in shock over Kyungsoo smiling.

“B-but I’m not of age-” Jongin starts.

“You’re old enough to be drafted into a goddamn war, you’re old enough to get wasted,” Kyungsoo interrupts. And neither Baekhyun nor Jongin can argue with that.

After walking around a few minutes, Kyungsoo’s face lights up at the site of a loud and noisy tavern. “Here we are!”

Kyungsoo looks absolutely enchanted when the three walk into the bar. The entire room is full of members of their squadron and women of a variety of ages. Some walk around with beer glasses, others are perched on soldier’s laps.

“Is this _allowed_?” Jongin whispers, watching in disgust as one of the captains buries his face in a woman’s breasts.

“Who the fuck cares!” Kyungsoo shouts, dragging Baekhyun by the wrist and Jongin by the collar over to the bar. “Let’s get shit-faced!”

The shouting attracts some women - girls, really - that are clustering around the bar. One of them peels off and wraps her arm around Jongin’s waist. “Hi there,” she purrs, and Jongin balks at the attention. Baekhyun immediately reaches out to pull him away, but Kyungsoo’s grip that pulls him up to the bar is stronger. He’s seated on a barstool, Kyungsoo and Jongin to his side. The bartender puts three tall beer glasses in front of them, and Kyungsoo wastes no time in drinking half of a glass in one go.

Baekhyun stares at the beer. He’s never turned down a beer if Chanyeol or Jongdae offered to buy, but here in this tavern, where Kyungsoo is grabbing one of the girls on his lap and Jongin looks sick, the beer looks stale and unappetizing.

“How about you, sweetie?” one of the girls asks Jongin, picking up a beer glasses and bringing it to his mouth. Jongin looks frightened out of his mind, and Baekhyun decides this is a good time to leave before things get ugly.

A girl in a yellow dress drapes herself around Baekhyun’s shoulders before he can move. “I’m sure a strong soldier like you would take _good_ care of me,” she purrs, nuzzling her nose into Baekhyun’s ear.

Baekhyun flinches away from her touch. “No thanks,” he grumbles, trying to get around her.

“Come on, Crip!” Kyungsoo yells, holding his beer glass up. He downs the rest of his beer. “Give ‘er a kiss!” The girl in his lap laughs as he puckers up to her.

Some of the other soldiers are shouting encouragements, and now the girl is sliding on his lap. “Just a little kiss,” she whispers into his ear.

“N-No,” he stutters, turning his head away from her and trying to get himself off of the barstool. He feels a hand on his cheek, and the girl is pulling his face back around.

His hands immediately grab her shoulders. “I said _get off_!” he screams, pushing the girl off him. She stumbles backwards and tries to catch herself on the bar. Glasses knock over and the room goes silent at the noise. Baekhyun feels his cheeks flame when he sees everyone looking at him. Kyungsoo looks perplexed, and some of the other soldiers are frowning at his actions.

“What the _fuck_ is your problem?” the girl shrieks, and Baekhyun doesn’t have time to react before she smacks him across the face.

The stinging of his cheek is less painful than the judgemental stares of his unit.

“What was that, Byun?” one of the soldiers yells. Some others pipe up, and soon the room is noisy with objections.

Someone grabs his shirt by his shoulder. “Tha’s no way of treatin’ a lady…” one of the soldiers slurs. He’s wobbling on his feet, easy for Baekhyun to duck out of his hold. Another soldier grabs a belt loop, and Baekhyun quickly turns away from his grasp.  He thinks he hears Jongin calling after him, but Baekhyun darts through the crowded bar out to the street. There’s still noise from within the bar, and Baekhyun’s ears are still ringing, heartbeat finally slowing down.

“Baekhyun!”

He turns and sees Joonmyun runs up to him, panting. “What was that?” he asks, bending over to catch his breath.

Baekhyun swallows. “I-I-” he shakes his head. “I didn’t-I _couldn’t-”_ His breathing is picking up again and he feels his eyes begin to swell with tears and he feels _angry_ . He feels angry at himself for losing his temper, for being _disgusted_.

“Hey, hey it’s okay,” Joonmyun says, grabbing his shoulders. “If you were uncomfortable, than you did what you needed to.”

Baekhyun lets out a bitter scoff. “ _Uncomfortable_ ,” he repeats. “A man who’s uncomfortable by women.” He shakes his head in self-pity, wiping the tears out of his eyes. “Some man I am…”

He pauses. His words repeat in his mind. _A man who’s uncomfortable by women._ He looks to Joonmyun, horror creeping onto his face when he sees his Captain understand what he meant.

Baekhyun’s heart crashes against his ribs, and he _feels_ it knock the air out of him. He’s gasping again. “O-oh God t-that’s not what I-” He gulps, backing away from Joonmyun who’s now as wide-eyed as he is. “I-I didn’t _mean...I’m not-”_

But Joonmyun is smiling. Not angry, not disgusted. _Smiling_.“Let’s get you back to camp,” he suggests brightly, taking Baekhyun by the arm.

Baekhyun gawks. “B-but-” he starts, but Joonmyun waves him off.

“You need some time away from the city.”

Baekhyun is still dumbfounded. “Y-you’re not g-going to-?”

“It’s not my business, Baekhyun,” Joonmyun says, now serious. “There’s nothing to report.”

That surprises Baekhyun. He just confessed women make him uncomfortable. That’s enough evidence for Joonmyun to pin him as homosexual. Enough for Joonmyun to fire him from the unit, to beat him in front of his comrades as a warning for any other gay man. Enough if Joonmyun weren’t as kind, to kill him. Keep his _condition_ from spreading among the soldiers.

“Joonmyun-” he tries again, but Joonmyun smacks him upside the head.

“No more talking until we’re back and I have coffee in my hands.”

Baekhyun lets a tear fall from his eye. “Thank you,” he whispers.

  
  


_________________

 

_September 29, 1940_

_Dear Jongdae,_

_Kyungsoo and Jongin are nice and all, but they’re not you. I miss you both._

_We went to the city today, in Wonju. The buildings are huge, and there was a tavern everywhere you looked. And the girls - there were so many girls. They sure do love a man in uniform. You and Chanyeol would love it. We’ll have to come back once the three of us are out of this mess._

_And did Chanyeol really bet you at wrestling? You’re losing your touch. I may have to find a new best friend soon._

_Kidding, as always. No one could replace you._

_Baekhyun_

  


_________________

 

  
The hottest summer Baekhyun remembers was back almost ten years ago. It was the summer he had just turned fifteen and began working in the only grocery shop in Gunwi. It wasn’t the best paying job, but there wasn’t much else for a boy with a limp and lame leg. So he sold groceries and treats, packed bags and boxes.  

Jongdae and Chanyeol had taken up a job unpacking imports and loads from cargo trucks. It was hard work, heaving bags of grains or boxes of sheet metal out of the trucks and into the town, but it paid well. The two would often stop into the shop after their shift covered in sweat to buy a pastry or piece of candy.

This particular week had been brutal - temperatures were the hottest Baekhyun could remember, and there hadn’t been any rain for weeks. Mayor Jung prepared the town for a drought. No doubt that any other village in the area could spare canteens of water.

Jongdae slumped against the grocery counter, lollipop in his mouth. “ _It’s so hot!_ ” he lamented, kicking off his shoes. Just mentioning the heat made Baekhyun feel stuffy. He was fortunate to work inside, with a fan that can at least move the air around. Jongdae and Chanyeol had little cover outside.

Chanyeol reached over to Jongdae to poke at his red skin forming over his shirt collar. “You pointing it out doesn’t make it any better,” he grumbled, finding satisfaction when Jongdae hisses at the burn.

Baekhyun frowned at how red Jongdae’s neck is getting. Chanyeol’s ears and nose were bright red too from the sun. “You both really need to cool off somewhere…”

Chanyeol snorted. “Let me just jump into the giant puddles the rain left us.” His tone was biting, sarcastic. But Jongdae lit up at the words, eyes wide with excitement.

“The stream!” he exclaimed, tugging at Chanyeol’s sleeve. “Let’s cool off in the stream!”

Cooling off in the stream seemed like a good idea, but it was a three-mile walk just to get to it; and in this heat, Baekhyun wasn’t sure it was even worth the trip. Besides, in this weather the stream was probably dried up.

“Dae, I don’t think-” But Baekhyun’s words were cut off as Jongdae grabbed him by the wrist to pull him around the counter. “Hey!” he complained, tugging back. “My shift’s not over yet!” Yook would surely fire him if he knew Baekhyun left early.

“Too bad!” Jongdae laughed, taking Chanyeol in his other hand. “We’re going!”

Baekhyun groaned.

  
  


The sight of the stream nearly had Baekhyun in tears. Much to his surprise, the stream was full of water. Baekhyun found himself walking faster at the promise of cool relief from the sun.

He was the first to kick off his shoes and step into the water, sighing as he does. Even if the stream was warmer than usual, he wanted nothing more in this moment.  He moves to sit down at the edge of the bank, rolling up his pants.

He heard Jongdae snort behind him. “Fuck that, I’m going all in.”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes. Always dramatic. “Your mother’s going to kill you for getting your work clothes wet.”

“We sweat through them every day, a bath’ll do them good!” was Chanyeol’s response. And with that, he slid into the stream, clothes and all. He dunked his head in, and Baekhyun laughed as he resurfaced, his clothes now drenched and hanging off his body.     

“I’m not going in with my clothes _on,_ ” Jongdae snorted again. “I like to be more respectful of my small amount of possessions, thank you.”

Baekhyun turned back to point out Jongdae’s rather small collection of possessions, but stopped as Jongdae pulled his shirt off.

His mouth goes dry.

Baekhyun suspected that the hard labor made Jongdae stronger, but he never imagined Jongdae getting this _thick_ . His eyes rake down Jongdae’s chest and stomach, now built with his muscles flexing and Baekhyun can’t help but _stare_. He never thought Jongdae would be anything besides lean.

“Goddammit, Jongdae! No one wants to see your dick!” Chanyeol yelled from the stream as Jongdae pulled his pants off.

At that, Baekhyun quickly turned and found interest in his knees. Seconds later, Jongdae jumped into the stream.

Completely naked.

Jongdae dived for Chanyeol’s torso, bringing him down. Baekhyun couldn’t even yell in annoyance at his friends getting his clothes wet - all he could focus on was Jongdae’s arms pinning Chanyeol, his back muscles flexing against Chanyeol’s attempts to escape.

A heat lit inside of him, stronger than the heat he already felt towards Jongdae. This was new, uncontrollable. Baekhyun wondered what Jongdae’s strength felt like, what it would feel like to have Jongdae’s body pressed against his, pinning _him_ down-

“I-I have to go,” he gasped, pulling himself out of the water and picking up his shoes. The splashing stopped. He ignored the protests from Chanyeol and calls from Jongdae, instead quickly walking as fast as his legs could take him.

He needed to go home.

  
  


Later that night, curled up in his bed, Baekhyun woke with a start, body covered in sweat. He dreamed ( _or was it a nightmare_ ) of Jongdae, his smile, his arms, his mouth. He dreamed of them at the stream, Jongdae naked and holding Baekhyun close, so close.

He groaned into his pillow, body still grinding into the mattress. He’s dreamed of Jongdae before, but never like _this_.

“ _Oh God_ ,” Baekhyun choked, conscious be damned. He reached under the waistband of his pants, groaning again as he gripped his cock. Baekhyun thought of Jongdae, what he would do if he were here now; how his body would feel, strong, sturdy. How he would whisper into Baekhyun’s ear and hold his hips.

Baekhyun bit his lips as he came.

  


_________________

  


“Byun! Over here _now_!”

Kyungsoo snorts. “You’re in deep shit,” he says fondly, pushing Baekhyun towards the Captain.

Baekhyun gives Kyungsoo a glare. “ _I didn’t do anything_ ,” he hisses back, before jogging over to the Captain. While he knows he hasn’t done anything wrong, ever since his and Joonmyun’s very private conversation a month ago Baekhyun has been a bit on edge. Kyungsoo and Jongin have noticed, but have been kind enough not to mention anything.

He clears his throat when he meets the Captain. “Yes, sir?” He hopes he doesn’t sound as nervous as he is.

“Captain Kim wishes to see you.”

That has Baekhyun feeling better. If Joonmyun wants to see him, then he’s done nothing wrong. He thanks the other Captain before walking towards Joonmyun’s tent. He winces slightly - his leg’s acting up again. Maybe he should ask Joonmyun if someone has a cane for him to use.

He pops his head in Joonmyun’s tent. “Captain?”

Joonmyun looks up from a stack of papers on his desk. “Come in, Baekhyun!” Joonmyun says with his usual brightness. He motions to a chair in front of the desk where he’s sitting. Baekhyun nods and walks in, taking a seat.

“So,” Joonmyun starts, pushing the papers away from him. “How are you?”

Baekhyun raises an eyebrow. “Uh...fine?” he questions, not exactly sure how to answer.

Joonmyun nods. “And your leg?”

This is new. Joonmyun’s never asked about his leg. “Uh,” Baekhyun starts, now skeptical. “Also fine?”

“Mmm,” Joonmyun hums, nodding along. The conversation falls quiet. Joonmyun leans back in his chair. Baekhyun taps his fingers on the desk.

After a few moments, Baekhyun shifts in his seat. “Look, Joonmyun,” he starts. “I have a lot of work I have-”  

“Fine, fine,” Joonmyun replies, sitting back up. He folds his arms on the desk and clears his throat. “You don’t have to answer, but-” He pauses, and clears his throat again. “Does Jongdae…?” Joonmyun waves his hands instead of finishing his sentence, and Baekhyun is all sorts of confused.

Joonmyun sighs, and tries again. “Does Jongdae know about…” He’s waving his hands again in Baekhyun’s direction.

 _Oh._ Baekhyun shakes his head. “He doesn’t know about...me.” He frowns. “Why?” Is Joonmyun afraid Jongdae would tell his unit? And Joonmyun would be punished for not reporting a homosexual officer?

Joonmyun leans back in his chair. “So you never told me how you felt?”

“About what?” Baekhyun asks, even more perplexed.

“About _him_.”

Baekhyun is beginning to realize Joonmyun is smarter than he looks, and that he’d give anything to have another Captain. It takes him a few moments to respond. “H-how did you…?” But how could Joonmyun know about _Jongdae_?

“I’ve been a soldier for many years, Baekhyun. I’ve seen how desperate men get when they’re worried about the ones they love.”

“But-”

“He’s also the only person you write to, the only person you talk about, even though your other friend Chanhyun is in the same unit.” Joonmyun gives him a flat look. “It wasn’t too hard to put the pieces together.”

Baekhyun can’t even correct Joonmyun - it’s _Chanyeol_ \- since his mind is reeling at Joonmyun's words. Joonmyun knows about Jongdae. Who else knows? Is Baekhyun really that obvious?

“But you never told him?”Joonmyunm asks, cutting through his thoughts.

Baekhyun can’t help but laugh. “Why would I? You know what happens to people like me,” he says. “If he told anyone, I’d be arrested.” He paused. “Beaten, probably.” Joonmyun knows that. Baekhyun narrows his eyes. “Why do you care?”

“Just,” Joonmyun clears his throat, fidgets in his chair. “I also know that not everyone lives during a war,” is Joonmyun’s reply. “Sometimes you need to take a chance before it’s too late.”

Baekhyun scoffs, offended. “ _‘Take a chance’_ ?” he repeats. “On _what_ ? I can’t just tell him that I’m in love with him! He’s on the _front lines_ !” Baekhyun nearly shouts. “He has to worry about _surviving_ , not some stupid crush that his best friend has on him!”

“Baek-” Joonmyun starts, but Baekhyun shakes his head.

“And even if I did tell him, he would never love me _back_ !” His hands hit the desk. “He’s not like me!” A lump forms in his throat, making it hard to breath. Jongdae’s never been like Baekhyun, never looked at men the way he did. Baekhyun laughs again, a sad and broken sound. “He’ll think I’m disgusting and dirty and _sick_ and-” His voice gets caught in his throat, and he feels his eyes swell with tears.  “He’ll leave me.” He looks over to Joonmyun. “Jongdae’ll leave me if I tell him.”

Joonmyun leans forward, voice soft. Comforting. “You don’t know that, Baek.”

“I could lose him if I tell him…” Baekhyun replies softly, sniffling. He bites his lips to keep himself from crying. “ _I can’t lose him_ …”

Joonmyun sighs. “Baek-”

“ _I can’t_ ,” he repeats, voice cracking this time. He bites his lips harder. Thankfully, Joonmyun doesn’t respond. He sighs again, reaching to hand Baekhyun a handkerchief. There’s a knock at the tent, and Joonmyun’s eyes dart past him, quickly brightening up. “Minseok!” he exclaims, immediately standing and walking past Baekhyun. Baekhyun turns around and sees Joonmyun embracing another Captain.

“It’s so good to see you!” Joonmyun says. Minseok’s eyes wander to Baekhyun, and Baekhyun quickly stands up, wiping the tears from his eyes. Minseok was every bit as handsome as Jongdae said. Baekhyun’s heart sinks for a moment - if Minseok is Jongdae’s version of handsome, Baekhyun is as plain as a slice of bread.

Joonmyun looks over his shoulder. “Oh, Minseok-” Joonmyun extends a hand out. “This is Byun Baekhyun.”

Minseok’s eyes light up. “Oh! You’re Baekhyun!” he exclaimed. He paused, before speaking again. “Jongdae and Chanyeol talk a lot about you.”

At his friends’ name, Baekhyun perks up. “How are they doing? I haven’t gotten a letter from Jongdae yet.” He choses to ignore Joonmyun’s knowing gaze.

“Actually,” Minseok starts, reaching in his breast pocket. “I have his letter.” He pulls out the envelope, Jongdae’s writing neatly addressed to him. Baekhyun immediately reaches out for the letter, a smile on his face.

Joonmyun laughs. “What are we, delivery boys?” Baekhyun nearly sticks his tongue out at his teasing, but remembers that Minseok is here. He instead focuses on ripping the envelope open and getting to the letter.

“Chanyeol’s no longer with the unit,” Minseok states. Baekhyun drops the letter, eyes wide. Minseok’s eyes also go wide, hands quickly shaking. “No, no. Chanyeol’s fine!” he explains quickly. “Well,” he pauses again. “Chanyeol was sent home. He contracted a nasty infection about a week ago.”

Baekhyun sucks in a breath. That doesn’t sound good, not at all. “Will he live?”

“We caught the infection before it spread.” Minseok smiles. “You’re friends are troopers.”

“They are,” he replies, a bit proud of Jongdae and Chanyeol. They have always been troopers. If anyone were to make it out of this war, it would be them. He sighs, a bit relieved, and picks up the letter.

  


_October 30, 1940_

_Dear Baekhyun,_

_Chanyeol got sick about a week ago - don’t worry, he’s fine! He was actually sent home before it spread further. Lucky bastard (kidding). The medic said he’ll be bedridden for a while, but should be fine. Hopefully they won’t come looking for him again when he gets better._

_In case you were wondering, my new best friend is still living in the tree next to my tent. I guess he’s not flying south for the winter. I’ll probably end up mad by the Spring._

_If this is the last sane letter I write to you, all I ask is that you visit me when I get locked up for lunacy._

_Jongdae_

  


A whistle blows in the distance - time to gather for inspection. Joonmyun sighs. “Well Baekhyun, you better get going.”

Baekhyun nods, tucking the letter into his back pocket. “Right.” He begins walking away, and Joonmyun gives a cough.

Oh.

Baekhyun turns back to Minseok and gives a half-hearted salute. Joonmyun never requires them to salute him, and Baekhyun had nearly forgotten protocol.

Minseok gives him a nod. “It was nice to meet you, Baekhyun.”

“Uh, you to?” He’s not sure how to properly answer, but it seems good enough.

Joonmyun lifts the tent flap for him when he leaves. Baekhyun’s halfway out the tent, when he realizes that he has the night off after inspections, and Minseok wouldn’t leave until it was light out.

“Uh,” he says to Joonmyun. “Wait.” He ducks back into the tent, finding Minseok looking over some papers at Joonmyun’s desk.

“Uh, Captain Minseok, sir?”

Minseok turns around, surprised. “Yes?”

“If I write a letter, would you give it to Jongdae?”

Surprise is still on Minseok’s face, but it slowly melts to a soft smile. “Of course.”

  
  


_________________

  
  


_November 13, 1940_

_Dear Jongdae,_

_I feel awful for not being there for Chanyeol when he was sick, but it’s great to hear that he’s going home. I guess I’ll have to write both of you letters now. I hope he gets enough rest._

_I met Minseok today - and yeah, he’s handsome. But you’re still the best looking guy I’ve seen. You had all the girls back home fawning over you. I’m still jealous._

_I’m really starting to miss you. I know this all just started, but I just want to go home and have things to back to how they were. Just the three of us. But really, writing to you has made everything easier. I’m glad we can do this._

_I’d probably go crazy myself if it weren’t for you._

_Baekhyun_

  
  


_________________

  
  


Kim Yongsun was a lovely girl Baekhyun knew growing up. She was a year older than he and his friends, eighteen and ready to make her mark on the world. She was bright, open, likeable; a girl who any boy would be lucky to know.

Baekhyun hated her.

Because Kim Yongsun was the girl who Jongdae had developed feelings for.

The two began a courtship after spending time conducting the town’s children’s choir. The town was small enough that everyone knew about the two. There were times when neighbors would stop Jongdae on the street or at work, congratulating him on the relationship. Baekhyun always seemed to be there when this happened. He would watch the bashful joy appear on Jongdae’s face and he wholeheartedly accepted the compliment.

Jongdae would sometimes bring Yongsun into the shop for a soda. Baekhyun would be working, and had to offer Yongsun whatever goods were in the shop that day. He hoped Jongdae noticed how busy Baekhyun would be when the two stopped in, finding something strenuous to do.

“See Dae, if you worked as hard as Baekhyun you wouldn’t be complaining about your salary,” Yongsun joked one day in the shop.

Jongdae laughed, dramatically putting his hand on his chest. “You hurt me!” he declared, before pulling Yongsun close and kissing her cheek. Baekhyun quickly turned away, digging his hands into his palm. He heard Yongsun whisper harshly _Behave,_ and Jongdee laughing again.

Baekhyun’s lucky his lips are pressed together or else he’d throw up.

But deep down, Baekhyun couldn’t really hate Yongsun. She made Jongdae _happy_. His face would smile more, his mood was brighter. Chanyeol even pointed out how much Jongdae changed since he and Yongsun started a relationship.

“You’re less likely to get us killed,” he mused as the three sat on the brink of the stream once afternoon.

Jongdae laughed. “I wouldn’t say _that_ ,” he teased. He proceeded to push Chanyeol into the stream.

Baekhyun sat quiet. It was true though. Jongdae matured. He thought about the consequences of his actions. Became more self-aware. No longer went blindly with his gut. Being with Yongsun turned Jongdae into a man.

Baekhyun could never do that for him.

  
  


One night, Baekhyun heard a tapping on his window. At the sight of Jongdae standing outside, he thought he was still dreaming.

“Jongdae…?” Baekhyun mumbled, wiping the sleep from his eyes. He opened the window, and yes, it really was Jongdae. Baekhyun’s heart gave a little jump at his sight, but he quickly frowned when he was Jongdae was crying.

“What’s wrong?” he asked as he opened his window. He could see Jongdae’s red eyes, face stained with tears. He’s taken aback. He’s never seen Jongdae cry.

Jongdae hiccupped. “Yongsun left me,” he cried. His voice his hoarse, like he’d be crying for hours.

Baekhyun gawked. “Wh-Why?” he stumbled. Yongsun really broke things with Jongdae? Why should she?

Instead of answering, Jongdae began crying harder. Baekhyun began panicking a bit, not sure how to calm Jongdae down. He opened his window fully and motioned for Jongdae to step inside. They used to do this when they were children, sneaking back and forth between homes at night.

Jongdae barely fits through the window. Once inside, Baekhyun rattled his brain for what makes someone feel better. Jongdae was content with sitting on his bedroom floor crying, so he took the moment to tip-to across his house and get a pitcher of water and a cloth. He also found one last piece of chocolate in a cupboard. It was a small victory.

He tiptoed his way back to his room, making sure his mother was still asleep. He gave a silent thank you to Jongdae for keeping quiet in his anguish.

When he got back to the room, he gave Jongdae the chocolate as he pressed the cool cloth on Jongdae’s face. His eyes were swollen; hopefully the cloth would make the swell go down. Baekhyun did not say a word as he worked.

Jongdae let out a shaky sigh. “I shouldn’t have come here…” he mumbled, biting into the chocolate. “I’m keeping you awake.”

Baekhyun shook his head. “It’s fine.” He pressed the cloth underneath Jongdae’s eye to keep a tear from dripping down his face.

The two fell back into silence. Jongdae’s cries slowly turned to sniffles as he collected himself. Baekhyun got up to put the pitcher of water and cloth on the dresser. He looked to his bed.

“Y’know,” he started, before his mind caught up to him. “They bed’s a lot more comfortable than the floor.”

So he and Jongdae sat on the bed, backs against the headboard and looking off into the night through Baekhyun’s window.

“I don’t know why it hurts so much…” Jongdae eventually whispered. Another tear fell down his face. Without thinking, Baekhyun reached out to wipe it away with his hand.

“She’ll never find someone as great as you.”

Jongdae let out a rough laugh. “She’ll do just fine without me.”

A flash of anger lit in Baekhyun’s stomach. “She doesn’t realize what she’s leaving,” he growled. “She’ll never find someone like you.” He still couldn't wrap his head around Yongsun leaving Jongdae, no longer wanting to be with him. Did she even know how lucky she was? He frowned at the thought. He looked over to Jongdae to give another bitter statement, but stopped himself when he saw Jongdae looking back at him.

Baekhyun felt his face heat up at the sight. Perhaps he was a little too obvious with his anger. “Uh-” he started, wondering how he could explain himself. But Jongdae kept starting. His eyes were soft, almost affectionate. And he was so close.

Baekhyun realized how easy it would be to kiss Jongdae’s lips.

But Jongdae gave a soft smile and ruffled Baekhyun’s hair. “Thanks for looking out for me, Baek,” he said. “I’m glad you’ve got my back.”

Baekhyun stared at Jongdae. “You’ll always have me,” he whispered. His heart thumped at the words, waiting for Jongdae’s reaction.

His best friend gave him a smile. “I know,” he whispered back. He looked so beautiful with that smile Baekhyun caused. Baekhyun should have told him, right then and there. He should have pulled Jongdae’s head to his chest, kissed his love into Jongdae’s hair and promised to never cause him pain.

But Baekhyun was a coward.

So Jongdae sighed through the silence, sinking lower into the bed. He stretched on his back. “Do you mind if I stay a bit?” he asked. His eyes were already closing.

Baekhyun gulped. “Not at all,” he replied, hoping Jongdae didn’t notice how hoarse it sounded.

Jongdae gave another smile. “Thanks, Baek,” he sighed once more. Baekhyun knew he shouldn’t take advantage of Jongdae in this state, but Baekhyun was selfish, so selfish. So he curled into Jongdae, wrapping his arms around his waist, just like when they were kids.

Baekhyun fell asleep to Jongdae’s heartbeat, a soft “I love you, I’ll never leave you” left unspoken on his lips.

 

_________________

  


Baekhyun decided that winter in Hongcheon sucked. It hasn’t stopped snowing since the unit arrived three days ago. With the snow came blustery winds that plunged the temperature down. It had gotten so bad that Baekhyun pushed his cot next to Kyungsoo’s and Jongin’s and the three sleep huddled together, trying to keep each other warm.

Joonmyun, of course, has a positive outlook.

“Look how beautiful the snow is!” he keeps exclaiming every time the unit is outside. Kyungsoo has since thrown several balls of snow at their Captain.

Besides the cold and Joonmyun’s continuous enthusiasm, the snow had also caused delays in the mail system. Soldiers who traveled through the units were slowed by the covered roads and sloshy terrain. It’s been weeks since Baekhyun expected Jongdae’s next letter to arrive. He’s started moping around camp.

“I’m sure it’ll arrive soon,” Jongin mumbles when he tucks his body closer to Baekhyun’s one night. Baekhyun sighs, the frown on his face getting longer. It’s not about the letter - it’s about knowing that Jongdae’s _okay_. Ever since Chanyeol left with an infection, Baekhyun keeps thinking that something could happen to Jongdae. He could get sick and get an infection. He could be accidentally hit by a stray bullet during practice. He could be eaten alive by the bird that has camped out next to his tent.

“B-but what if-” he starts, but he gets a hand to his forehead.

“Shut the fuck up, I’m trying to sleep,” Kyungsoo hisses from across Jongin. Baekhyun sighs again, but snuggles down into his blanket.

  
  
  


The next night, Baekhyun watches Jongin draw, mesmerized at how Jongin precariously holds the pen between his shoulder and chin. He looks ridiculous leaning over the desk to get to the pad of paper, but the work he is doing isn’t half bad.

“I used to make drawings for this girl I liked back home,” Jongin mumbled, trying to get the words out without knocking the pen out of his grasp.

This surprises Baekhyun. Jongin never spoke much about his home, nor about anyone in particular. “Did she like them?” he asks.

Jongin laughs. The pen falls out from his chin and rolls off the desk. “I never gave them to her.”

Baekhyun picks up the pen. “You should,” he encourages, bring the pen back up to Jongin’s shoulder. “These are really good, and-”

He’s interrupted by Joonmyun and Kyungsoo entering the tent. He smiles. “Kyungsoo, you have to see this drawing that Jongin-” Baekhyun now notices the grim look on Joonmyun’s face, the way Kyungsoo is shifting the weight between his feet. Uncomfortable. Uneasy. His smile falls. “What?” he breathes.

Kyungsoo looks down at his feet. Joonmyun runs his fingers through his hair. The two stand in silence for a few moments, and Baekhyun’s heart feels like it’s going to burst out of his chest. His hands begin to shake.

Finally, Joonmyun speaks. “We’ve...gotten news about the 14th.” Kyungsoo is still looking at his shoes. “There was an ambush on the unit-”

Baekhyun’s ears start ringing.

“-and we’re unsure of which soldiers made it out alive or not-”

Baekhyun doesn’t realize he’s falling until Kyungsoo catches his arm and cradles his head away from the desk. “Baek!” Jongin calls, but Baekhyun can’t hear him. He feels like he’s underwater - his hearing his fuzzy and his vision is blurring. Joonmyun rushes over, still talking but Baekhyun can’t hear a word he says.

Jongdae’s unit was ambushed. Men died. Jongdae could be dead. Jongdae could be dead and never coming back and he never told Jongdae how he felt he never _told_ Jongdae and now he may never be able to -

A palm connects to his face and he gasps at the sting. His chest heaves and _oh_ , he stopped breathing.

“Kyungsoo!” Jongin shrieks from somewhere above Baekhyun.

“He wasn’t _breathing_!” Kyungsoo yells back. Baekhyun’s vision regains focus on Kyungsoo’s face looking down at him. “Baek-”

“ _Jongdae could be dead_ ,” he wheezes, tears forming in his eyes. “ _Jongdae could be dead!_ ”

“You don’t know that for sure,” Joonmyun quickly babbles. “He, uh, maybe...might have-”

“I’m sure Jongdae’s alive, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo interrupts, glaring at Joonmyun. He looks back. “You said Jongdae was a fighter.”

“ _B-b-but-”_ He’s still gasping for air, too loud to hear what anyone is saying. _Jongdae could be dead_ repeats in his mind, and all he can picture is Jongdae, bloodied and lifeless and gone from him forever and he screams.

  
  
  
  
  


_________________

 

_Jongdae,_

_Don’t do this to me._

_Baekhyun_

 

_________________

  
  
  


Baekhyun’s mother told him that Gunwi was a mystical village, filled with secrets and magic just waiting to be uncovered. Baekhyun ate up every word, letting his imagination run wild at the thought of moving to a new and mysterious town.

Baekhyun didn’t remember much from his old city. He remembered noise, so much noise.  He remembered a cramped space, with he and his mother sharing one bed. He remembered a mean neighbor; a pair of new shoes his mother bought him just before they left. But everything was blurred, nothing very clear. A part of him felt bad he couldn’t remember his father, but never once would he wish anything different from what he had. He had his mother, and she had him. That was enough.

“I bet they’ll be more boys your age to play with,” his mother said to him on the train. Baekhyun was staring out the window, watching as the city turned to green grass.

“Will I make friends?” he asked her, shuffling his body to sit next to her. His kicked his feet on the seat, his brand new shoes shining in the sunlight from the windows. It was _exciting_ to move to a new town.

She smiled. “Of course,” she replied, giving him a kiss on the head. “You’ll make a lot of friends at school.”

Baekhyun smiled at that.

It was a long journey, but after the train and a ride on the back of a bumpy bus, Baekhyun and his mother arrived at their new home. Baekhyun marveled at the size of their home - larger than their cramped apartment in the city. And there was a yard to play in.

He gripped his mother’s hand harder in excitement. She smiled down at him. “Why don’t you go help those men and get your things from the bus?” Baekhyun nodded enthusiastically and ran over to back of the bus where some neighbors were taking out their belongings.

“Hello, little man,” one of the men said. He handed Baekhyun his bag. “You must be a big help to your mother.”

“I’m six!” he proudly replied. “I’m big enough to help!” He hoisted his bag over his shoulder to show off his strength.

The man laughed. “That you are,” he said.

The man - the mayor of the town - Baekhyun learned later, helped he and his mother move their bags into their home. The home was modest in size, really - a kitchen, small living area, with two small bedrooms. But it was the biggest home Baekhyun had seen, so he went running through the halls, giggling at the space he had to do so. His brand new shoes made a wonderful sound, echoing his footsteps against the walls.

When he got back to the front of the home, he heard laughter outside. Baekhyun peered out the door. Next door, there was two boys sitting on the grass, absolutely covered in mud. One with large ears jumped over to pull the other boy down to the ground. Wrestling ensued, as did flinging mud.

“Go say hello, Baekhyun,” his mother encouraged from behind him. Baekhyun looked up to her, shaking his head. He did not want to be friends with boys who played in the _mud_. He had some dignity in his young age. His mother gave him a playful pat on the behind. “Go make some friends.”

And because Baekhyun was a good son and listened to his mother, over he walked to the boys next door. They were still wrestling each other by the time he walked up next to them. “Uh-” he started, but not another word was said before one of the boys grabbed a handful of dirt and mud and swung it down towards the other.

“Take this, Chanyeol!” he shouted. Unfortunately, his miscalculated his aim and missed his friend’s head. The mud and dirt instead flew to hit Baekhyun’s ankles, socks, and shoes.

His new shoes were ruined. Baekhyun stared down at his now muddy shoes in shock.

He started crying.

“I’m sorry!” someone yelled over his wails. Baekhyun looked over to the mud flinger.

“I’ll buy you new shoes!” he pleaded, standing up and taking Baekhyun’s hand. Baekhyun supposed it was to calm him down, but his hands were muddy and wet. A piece of mud dripped off his hand and hit Baekhyun’s left shoe. He cried harder.

“I’m gonna tell your mom, Jongdae!” the other boy shouted. He was laughing. Baekhyun pouted. How dare he laugh when his new shoes were ruined?

The boy in front of him - Jongdae, he supposed - looked even more panicked. He turned sharply. “Don’t tell my mom!” he yelled to his friend. He turned back to Baekhyun. “Don’t tell my mom.” He gave a smile. “We can clean your shoes!”

Before Baekhyun had time to protest, the boy was kneeling down and grabbing his legs. Baekhyun falls back when the boy picks up his foot, landing right into the mud. Now his butt was muddy, his mother will surely be angry, and this boy he just met was taking off his new shoes and walking away with them. “Hey!” Baekhyun yelled through his tears. “Give those back!”

But Jongdae ignored him, running his ruined new shoes over to the side of what Baekhyun assumed was his home. The other muddy boy ran after him too, as did Baekhyun. When he caught up to them, Baekhyun saw his new shoes being dumped into a large pail of water.

“This’ll clean them up!” said the boy named Jongdae.

His friend reached his hands into the pail. “My mom scrubs clothes to get them clean!” And he began scrubbing.

Baekhyun frowned. “Give them back!” he demanded. But neither boy paid him any mind, too caught up in their scrubbing.

Eventually, Jongdae took the shoes out of the pail. They were sopping wet, but did look cleaner. Baekhyun thought that the job was done, but Jongdae frowned at them. “Hm,” he mumbled. He looked down at his shirt, then at Baekhyun’s. Baekhyun didn’t have time to blink before Jongdae took the bottom of his shirt and began wiping the caked mud off of his shoes.

Baekhyun’s jaw dropped. Now his _shirt_ was covered in mud.

“Good thinking, Dae!” the other boy said, and he took Baekhyun’s other shoe and began wiping it off on his shirt.  

Baekhyun decided to never try to make friends again.

Tears threatened to spill again, and Baekhyun began sniffling them away when Jongdae showed him his left shoe. “Ta-da!” he shouted, holding up Baekhyun’s shoe. Much to Baekhyun’s surprise, they did look almost as clean as before. His pants and now his shirt were filthy, but at least his shoes were clean. He let out a sigh of relief. Maybe his mother won’t be cross after all.

“Thanks,” he sniffed, giving the boys a soft smile. He then remembered he was here to make friends. “I’m Baekhyun.”

“I’m Chanyeol!” said the boy with large ears and a toothy grin.

“My name is Jongdae!” exclaimed the mud flinger. He gave a wide smile. “I like you!”

In that moment, Baekhyun made two best friends. He’s never felt more whole.

  


_________________

  


Baekhyun hadn’t eaten in three days. Joonmyun kept giving him food, but he has no appetite to eat. His world was hanging on a thread, spreading thinner as the days go by without word from Jongdae’s unit. And so he dumped the food on the ground.

“Baekhyun, you need to eat,” Joonmyun frowned, holding up a plate of meat in in his face. But Baekhyun turned away, choosing to stare at the wall of the tent instead of his captain. He was perfectly fine with slowly wasting away, figuring death would be a mercy to living without Jongdae. It wasn’t until Jongin and Kyungsoo held him down on his bed and force-fed him soup that had long gone cold that he began functioning again.  

Today, Kyungsoo brings an apple from the farm they’re camped in. Baekhyun still lacks an appetite, but figures wolfing down one apple is better than Kyungsoo wrestling him to the ground again. “He could have made it out, Baek,” he offers, watching intently as Baekhyun eats. “Not everyone died.”

Baekhyun reminds himself that Kyungsoo means well, and not to tear his heart out from his chest.

He nearly chokes on an apple slice when Joonmyun walks in, face a bit flustered. Baekhyun drops the apple.

Joonmyun looks over to Kyungsoo. “Kyungsoo, could you-” Kyungsoo is already off the cot and walking out of the tent. “-give us a moment, alright then,” Joonmyun quickly finishes. He coughs, then looks at Baekhyun. “I got a list of those who were confirmed killed in the attack,” Joonmyun says, slowly. Calculated. Baekhyun does not breath, nor make any movements. Joonmyun takes a breath. “Jongdae wasn’t on the list.”

Air rushes out of Baekhyun’s lungs as he lets out a sob in relief. He collapses on his cot. _He’s alive._ He feels Joonmyun take a seat next to him, taking his hand. “I don’t know how he’s doing, but he’s alive.”

“ _Thank you,_ ” Baekhyun sobs, sitting up to wrap his arms around his captain. _He’s alive_. Baekhyun kept replaying the thought in his head.  

“Baek,” Joonmyun murmured, gently pushing him away. “There’s more.”

Baekhyun sniffs. “What else?”

“Since most of the unit was killed, they need men to flush out their ranks. We’re going to meet the 14th at the Suwun.”

They’re going to meet the 14th. Baekhyun’s eyes widen. “I’ll see Jongdae,” he breathes.

Joonmyun nods. “You’re going to see Jongdae.” There’s a softness in his eyes. “We leave tomorrow. It’ll take us about a week.”

One week. In one week, Baekhyun will be together with Jongdae. He sighs, putting his head on Joonmyun’s shoulder. “Thank you,” he whispers again.

“You don’t need to thank me, Baekhyun,” Joonmyun says softly. Baekhyun feels Joonmyun’s hands come up to ruff his hair. From outside the tent, Baekhyun hears some soldiers asking for Joonmyun. His captain sighs, slowly getting off the cot. “Duty calls,” he mumbles, fixing his jacket. He’s about to walk out of the tent, before pausing. “Baek-” He looks back. “Jongdae’s alive. You almost lost him.” His eyes dart to Baekhyun’s stationary. “Just...don’t leave any regrets.”

 _Don’t leave any regrets._ The way Joonmyun said it, the way his eyes darkened and voice softened…. “Who did you lose?” Baekhyun asks, slowly. Carefully.

Joonmyun sighs. “Someone I loved very much. But they never knew.” He gives a sad smile to Baekhyun. “Because I was a coward.” And with that, he closes the tent flap.

 _Don’t leave any regrets._ Joonmyun’s words echo in Baekhyun’s mind. Anything can happen in one week. He looks over to his stationery set.

He jumps out of the cot and grabs the pen from the table.

  
  
  
  
  


The sun is shining the day Baekhyun leaves for Jongdae’s unit.

It’s the start of the new year, the start of new beginnings.

  


_________________

  
  


There’s a soft brush against the tent doors before Minseok peaks in.  He gives a soft smile. “How’s the leg?”

This has Jongdae laughing, despite the pain that is pulsing through his body and clouding his head. He sits himself up, wincing as he does, and holds up the stump of a left leg he now sports.  “Looking a bit lame, to be honest!” He drops it - a little too hard - and gives Minseok a smile. “At least I still have my good looks.” Minseok laughs - whether in humor or out of pity, Jongdae doesn’t know. But he keeps a strong face as his captain walks fully into the tent to sit at the end of his bed. “So what do I owe the honor?”

Minseok reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a letter. Jongdae immediately takes it, smiling at Baekhyun’s familiar, messy writing on the front. He doesn’t notice the way Minseok’s face shifts, ever so slightly, at the sight. “From Baekhyun?” he asks, watching as Jongdae rips the envelope open.

“Of course,” he replies back, cursing softly as the paper cuts his finger. “I can’t wait to tell him he’s not the only one with a lame leg in Gunwi.” He pauses, then looks at Minseok. “When is the 79th expected to get here? Will I be able to walk by then?” Jongdae imagines greeting Baekhyun with a wooden peg, perhaps making him believe he stills has his leg and then popping it off unexpectedly - around dinner, maybe, huddled next to the campfire, the two of them sharing a blanket like back when they were children.

Minseok gives him a level look. “You’re going to be lucky if you can _stand_ by then, let alone walk.”

“Well, I need to do _something_ spectacular for when Baekhyun comes. It’s my first time seeing him in almost a year, so I need to-”

“Jongdae,” Minseok interrupts, putting a hand on his thigh. “That’s not going to happen.”

He was expecting that. They’re going to try and send him home. No use keeping a soldier without a leg around to fight a war. He’s more of a liability than any aid if he can’t keep on his feet. He takes a deep breath. “I know the generals want to send me home,” he starts. “But I’m going to wait until the 79th come.” He holds up the letter. “I’m tired of sending Baekhyun letters. Besides,” he pleasantly taps Minseok’s hand. “You all can bear having me around for another week or two. I’m not that much of a lump yet.”

Minseok says nothing. He just stares at Jongdae, lips pressed into a thin line. Jongdae feels his hands tighten underneath his, angry. He sighs. “Minseok, please, just a few more days until they get-”

“Baekhyun’s dead, Jongdae.”

Jongdae blinks.

And waits for the punchline.

Outside of the tent, he hears some of his comrades laughing.

He waits.

The cook is ringing the breakfast gong, announcing the meal is served.

Minseok isn’t laughing, isn’t cracking a grin on his stone face at the joke.

The goddamn bird is perched on the tent’s pole, chirping away at the morning.

_Minseok isn’t laughing._

Jongdae scoffs. “No,” he says, holding up the letter. “He’s on his way with the 79th. He’ll be here soon.”

Minseok puts his hand on top of Jongdae’s. “The squadron was ambushed, outside of Siheung.” He squeezes. “No one survived. They were wiped out.”

Jongdae blinks.

“I’m sorry, Jongdae.”

The letter falls out of his hands.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Dear Jongdae......_

 

 

 

 


End file.
